“The thing about money is that it reaches into every aspect of our lives,” said Christine Northam, a Relate counsellor. “It’s an emotional subject that can often cause anger in relationships, particularly when there is an imbalance in power or difference in attitudes.”
In a time of economic uncertainty, people naturally become more anxious and this general concern can trickle into everything, she says.
But while some of us may find it embarrassing to talk about money, it is essential that you discuss your finances with your partner to make sure you are on the same wavelength.
Philippa Gee, independent financial adviser, says: “When they meet the partner of their dreams, so many people have the conversation about whether they want children and their goals for life, but money often gets forgotten.
“The issue with this is that money can unfortunately become one of the biggest stresses and strains for couples later down the line and if only this could have been discussed rationally at the beginning, it might have helped matters.”
Broaching the ‘m’ word can be tricky at the best of times, so how should you do it?
Choose your time wisely
To get the conversation rolling, make sure you chose your moment wisely and opt for a neutral time. Don’t wait until a hefty bill has landed on the doormat or you have been made redundant to broach the subject. The goal is to have a calm, relaxed discussion when there’s no particular money issue at hand.
While in a perfect world you would have discussed money before the relationship got serious, it is never too late to talk about it. Sit down together and be honest.
Understand different attitudes to money
Everyone has different approaches to money and your partner is unlikely to have a mirror-image style to yours. This can work well, as you might find one person is a spender and the other is a saver, creating a balance. But it may also be a recipe for disaster.
“Beliefs cause behaviour,” said Ms Northam. “Past influences, experiences and family patterns affect how we view money, so it is not surprising that we have a variety of beliefs.
“Money can mean anything from power, security or freedom, but it is important to figure out its meaning. Perhaps a person who is a big saver associates money with security because they have childhood memories of their parents struggling financially. The important thing is to ask yourself why does my partner act like this?”
If you understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from and by putting yourself in their shoes, then you can work better together to arrive at a suitable compromise and make more balanced decisions together.
Face the music
The first thing to do is work out where the money is going and face the situation. Go through bank statements, look at credit card debt and scrutinise your household bills together.
“Just as with your first weigh-in at the beginning of a diet, it can be depressing to appreciate the severity of the situation, but only in facing up to it can you make a plan to move on,” said Ms Gee.
To make a survey of your financial scene, use a budgeting tool. One to try comes from banking giant Lloyds TSB. Here you note down your income and spending in various categories and it only takes about 20 minutes to complete.
Avoid the blame game
If you are the saver in the relationship, it is easy to point fingers at your partner when there is not enough money to pay the bills. Try to avoid doing this and instead work out the situation together.
Remind yourselves that you’re working as a team and be supportive. Don’t create personal issues such as ‘your debt’ or ‘my wages’; instead try and share the responsibility of money together.
It is important that both of you are able to manage your finances, so why not take it in turns to pay bills out of the joint account and come together at least once a month to check over the situation?
Set mutual goals
Decide what is important to you both, what goals and aims you have, and then look at your finances – is the money there or do you need to alter the amount of income and outgoings? Then draw up a household spending plan and stick to it.
“Have a discussion about what you want in life and from your future,” said Ms Northam. “Whether it is getting on the property ladder, sending your children to public school or taking a luxurious holiday each year, if these things are important to you, you need to know if and how you will be able to afford them.”
By setting up a financial plan for your future, you and your partner can be on the same page financially and this will avoid any hard feelings or disappointments.
“Couples, whether married or single, need to be prepared to negotiate, compromise and be flexible,” said Ms Northam.
Source: Tribune
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